Orchestral manoeuvres in the..

Entirely by accident I found myself at the South Bank in London. For rather less than 1,001 nights but it was for Scheherazade .

Helped along by a double vodka and by sitting in the posh box it was the first concert that drove me to tears.

Despite the stories and emotions in the piece there was a big reminder of my school days. At the start of the music lesson people would be allotted positions on what they could play, according to ability.

The less gifted would be left with the triangle.

You may be thinking – well this guy is the most obvious triangle player ever. Wrong. The triangle was quickly taken off me and given to someone else. I was left with nothing.

I was used to living with humiliation but, by a complete fluke, I managed to get the perfect job to enact my revenge.

To rub my face in it even further,in what could only be a delberate act by the entire universe to humiliate me further- Scheherazade features the triangle.

It was the best triangle playing I’ve ever seen in my life. They had different sizes even and stuff like that.

I don’t really know what everyone else was doing on-stage. There are big things, things you blow through ,people holding things that make a noise basically. I wasn’t that interested to be honest. I’m more of a double vodka guy. The location doesn’t matter.

All of my holidays

The strange ghost of entire orchestras seemed to follow me wherever I went on holiday. Everybody talked about it.

I went to the biosphere. You can go to the foundations, lots of tiny steps LOWER YOUR HEAD there’s a big dome underneath the dome – an orchestra played there.

The cango caves in africa

After crawling through the caves, I was told how acoustic it was. Guess who played there? An entire orchestra.

For years, almost everywhere I went – an entire orchestra was there before me.

Revenge of the Triangle player

There’s only one logical explanation for this. Apart from Scheherazade, the triangle is the least used instrument in any orchestra. So who is the idiot with the least to do and most time on their hands?

That’s right, the triangle player. Also the one who everybody humiliates and makes fun of. No skill to play a triangle,right?

I should know as I couldn’t manage it. I am an expert in proving that you can still fail in doing things where there is no skill involved.

Only the Orchestras of the world didn’t quite think it through.

An Orchestral Mistake

Apart from your normal places like the Royal Albert or Carnegie Hall, who decides where the orchestra plays next?

I just so happens, drinking double vodkas in a bar one night I got talking to this guy. He looked almost completely useless. Slightly better than me at everything. There’s only one thing he could be.

I was right. He seemed like a nice guy and he liked a couple of vodkas too. I was surprised when he offered me a job.

Its how I became the only person who doesn’t play an instrument to be a member of the Orchestral action squad. Set up by triangle players years ago, as revenge for the constant humiliation dished out by fellow members of the Orchestra.

My job is to find the worst gigs for orchestras in the most inaccessible places.

It’s the best job I’ve ever had.

Awkward Trumpets

The next time you’re lugging your double base to the sea caves or climbing down the sewer hoping your bassoon doesn’t fall out of your trousers,know this :

It’s not my job to reposition an awkward trumpet. It’s my job to book a good gig.

Its got good acoustics, I’ll say, hiding a laugh. As you try to get your bongos back in your kayak as I wander off to a bar somewhere.

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