Stephanie Beacham and Me – the Truth

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As part of my work for the  Anecdote Provision Service (APS) it is my pleasure to share with you another opportunity.

Purely for the simple,bored and mindless.

I present you with a choice of anecdotes. Don’t use them all at once.

Save it for when someone looks particular hopeless and accost them at random.

It’s easier if you pretend you’re me.


No Escape from the APS

Another good tip is if you approach someone who has no means of escape.

It is important that each anecdote is finished, otherwise what’s the point.

Public transport,waiting rooms and other normally tedious experiences can be transformed by using one of my anecdotes.

It is also important to do the telling in your best monotone.

Boring is always best. The worse the anecdote the more likely it is to be re-told.

Remember the APS is not about raising a smile in the telling.

It’s about making the listener the star of their own anecdote.

In the re-telling – they become the hero of the story.

These guys aren’t comedians, so you have to be more boring than they are.

That can be difficult.

Don’t worry.  I’ve prepared two anecdotes from my own life to give you a great start.


TV Appearance No 1.


Stephanie Beacham, the hardly known any more actress, was opening a mall near to where I lived.

The TV cameras were there and I decided to go along.

I made sure to watch it when I got home.

I was standing on the 2nd level above her. At one point the camera panned round the crowd and was pointing right at me.

It was scheduled to be on local TV later that day.

I made sure to record it so that I could keep the moment forever.

I got home and immediately sat down to watch.

There she was – Stephanie Beacham. The camera  slowly panned round to where I was standing earlier that day.

It stopped right at  my left elbow.

Stephanie and I are yet to make our second TV appearance.



In England if  you go for a walk in the country, all the roads are tarmacked. It can make for a nice walk as there are few cars and there isn’t any rough ground.

I often see various critters crossing the road. Caterpillars,sometimes frogs.

Sometimes when I see a caterpillar and it’s walking right up the centre of the road. It is destined for death. It will never get to the edge.

I normally try to  re-direct them with my foot so that it starts walking to the side.

I made a joke that I was saving caterpillars lives. A caterpillar saver.

That wasn’t good enough.

One time I was busy re-directing a caterpillar when a car came driving towards me. I raised my hand up to stop the car.

The guy wound his window down and shouted at me. I was too busy to hear what he was saying.

I just said “It’s a caterpillar stupid.”

I calmly waited until the caterpillar got to the edge and waved the car on.

I also save frogs, which doesn’t happen as often but is still worthwhile.

I imagine  I am Shirley Bassey singing Goldfinger with new words :

‘Frog saver. He’s the one, the one who saves all the frogs..’

Perhaps I should spend my time more productively.

But being boring is all part of the APS.

Remember  the APS makes other people  the heroes of the story.


Tim Willow


Feel free to use these anecdotes to forcibly cheer up people’s miserable lives or contribute some inferior anecdotes of your own.

It’s a big world out there with many ears to hear.

Lets make them hear something interesting for a change.

Try going up to a random house and knock on the door. I remember my first job with the anecdote provision service.

Remember : People listen more after you tie them to a chair.


Next time you’re on public transport be sure to join someone who’s alone.

You can make their day many times over with a really bad anecdote.

Do you have any fitting anecdotes fitting for the anecdote provision service?


12 thoughts on “Stephanie Beacham and Me – the Truth

  1. You can also make your walk a bit more efficient if you ride on the wheelie chair, while they’re tied up in/on it. Conserve your strength and breath for more soul sucking (theirs into yours, because you are a master). If you can get around solely using the wheelchair bound, I think that’s be a really cool version of that game “the floor is lava”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh! I really need this job… I’d be perfect! I can drone on endlessly without any effort at all. My stories have been known to put people to sleep! I’ll be running the office in no time. No time I tell you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I remember being on a long flight one time in a section with just two seats in the rows on my side. The woman next to me read a book the entire time. She got up once to use the restroom. When we landed, I helped her get her bag out of the overhead bin. She apologized for having been such a poor traveling companion. I told her “this was the best flight I’ve ever been on.”

    I thought about that later and wondered if she was offended.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I pulled a turtle off of a busy road in Dallas, Tx… Backed up traffic in both directions… I’m sure one of the drivers must’ve pulled over and killed it just to spite me.

    Liked by 2 people

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