I had an unusually rebellious childhood.
Everyone was out there having the sex,taking drugs and forcing old people to cross the road.
I was reading the bible.
Out of my own interest. Nobody I knew was religious.
I wasn’t either, I was just interested.
What were the rules behind society? What were the motives behind why people did what they did?
How could I be a good person?
I enjoyed Proverbs and the wisdom of Solomon the most.
Everywhere I go, I notice a lot of unhappy people.
Arguments
I have been witness to many arguments, between couples or between friends.
So I try to use the wisdom of Solomon to solve them.
I remember once at the post office.
A couple were arguing about money. A baby in the pushchair was crying. Everyone else looking over.
I stepped in –
Can I cut your baby in two?
Result – 1 argument ended.
Ten points for the wisdom of Solomon.
I also learnt being punched in the face didn’t hurt that much.
Being kicked while you’re on the ground is worse.
Was Solomon so wise?
I was trying to resolve every argument by asking to cut a baby in two.
Did he use the sentence everywhere like me, or was he waiting for the right context?
I decided to take a Second read.
Perhaps it should be known as the patience of Solomon.
One day two women happened to be arguing about a baby and Solomon stepped in with his line – his perfect context had arrived!
It was the perfect solution to an argument.
He was testing to see how the real mother would react to her baby being cut in two.
Understandably she cried. Indicating she was the real mother of the child.
The patience that Solomon showed became wisdom in the hindsight of history.
It ain’t over till it’s over
After nursing my bruises and resolving a few more arguments in my mind, I ventured into the actual world to find a perfect context for my new wisdom.
In between considering lilies, I went back to my old village hoping my wisdom would stick like chewing gum to a prophets slippers.
Just past the poverty and misery on the left, was the Al fresco cafe and gift shop. A great place to demonstrate my wisdom.
I was so pleased at how clever I was.
The Patience of Tim pays off
Two women were arguing over a dog. They both wanted it and claimed it as their own.
At last I had a context that fit. They were lucky I was so wise and able to help.
Some serious Al fresco shouting was going on.
Quite normal for my village.
I stepped in.
“Can I cut your dog in two?
They looked at me.
I simply swapped a baby for a dog – I am so wise it’s ridiculous.
Man on fire.
One said “Can I have the top half?”
The other one said “I want the top half.”
“I said it first.”
The fight escalated and they started punching each other.
Wisdom’s End
It took me a while to realise my mistake.
A prophet is never accepted in his own village.
I should have been pushing drugs instead of pushing wisdom.
Are there any arguments you would like me to help you solve?
Helping people is a worthy aim.
Similar to the saying “Pupils are our best teachers”, giving advice could have taught me
that I know far less than I thought I did.
Fortunately I am as thick as a chock.
I can give out my wisdom without being distracted by learning.
If any problem is too large in your life,cut it in two.
Disclaimer :
I am not as arrogant as the narrator of this piece, but equally silly.
I wrote the disclaimer after all.
Lol, fantastic wisdom there 😀 And actually, the last part about cutting large problems in two was unexpectedly wise.
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How did that happen? I’ll have to edit that bit out 🙂
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Don’t do that, it helped me 😀
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Ok. All the wisdom stays 🙂
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Thought provoking stuff Tim.
If I’m arguing with myself, how might I resolve or end that particular argument?
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May I suggest cutting yourself in two?
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Working along the Solomon lines, I had wondered if cutting myself in two was my answer.
I’ve heard that hacking a body up isn’t as easy as all that.
I may have to watch the Saw movies for design ideas.
I’d be most aggrieved if I wasn’t in two perfectly equal halves.
(It would start another argument over who had the most)
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I generally recommend a body length guillotine. Patience in positioning is key. Top to bottom obviously.
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Top to bottom is problematic I found. I seemed to lose control of the straight cut once my head was sliced a third of the way through. I ended up slicing half my brain away and now I’m half witted! I’m having trouble keeping a job now and could only find a part time job in sin. I’m dreading the first pay day!
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Have you called the half-cut hotline? A half wit is 50 % of a whole wit. I’d be pretty pleased with that
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I can’t think of any argument I need settled now… but keep your saw sharpened. There’s bound to be someone I want to split down the middle soon.
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Like the guy who fixed your leak…
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Indeed. He came yesterday and made repairs, so now we wait until Tuesday for heavy rain. As I said…. keep it sharpened!
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Now this one’s my favorite. I always suspected you were wise :)- just didn’t know just how wise, LOL!
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Great ideas about ending arguments. These days I avoid all arugments.
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Thanks, all extra tools in the tool bag 🙂
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“like chewing gum to a prophet’s slippers” — bwahahaha! LOVE this.
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All good prophets need a spare pair
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Laugh out loud funny! Another gem there Tim :O) x
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thank you 🙂 Laughing at my struggle towards wisdom – how dare you 🙂 🙂 Always nice to hear though. It’s a magical form of communication,don’t you think? Sending laughter across continents…
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I think it’s a wonderful form of communication :O) x
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I admit I haven’t read my bible in quite awhile but I do believe in the principles of Jesus. But I will say that Jesus was a rebel during his time. So in a sense reading the bible is very rebellious. Great post thank you
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Thank you – me too. I did actually read the Bible a lot when I grew up, it’s nice to put it to use – perhaps in an amusing way but perhaps with some good sense hidden underneath…
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Disclaimer or humble…always a good idea. Nice blog.
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Thank you, these things seem to take a lot more time than you may imagine 🙂
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Wise and funny. I love it. The comments just made it better. Good for you.
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Thank you, everyone joining in is always good fun, thanks for coming along!
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My wisdom isn’t always recognized, either. Tough luck for us great men. Maybe it’s because this world is our “village”
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Lol, yeh everywhere we go! Nice one!
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Thank you for reading me.
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[…] However, I still use the wisdom of Solomon. […]
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Funny AND wise! Great combination for a blog post! 🙂
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Thanks Laurie, I knew if kept writing it could happen by chance eventually 🙂
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🙂
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[…] Although sometimes not speaking up is more wounding than a punch in the face. […]
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[…] Perhaps I should have stayed with the wisdom of Solomon. […]
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[…] When I got older I used the Wisdom of Solomon. […]
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